#14 Considering Ethanol - Mining & Tapping Part 2

Day 1

I had a big Ah Ha this morning when I first listened to Scott's audio Don't Be Fooled – The Body is the Key. I listened, saw, heard and tapped though the half hour, and it was good, but I know I only skimmed the surface.

Fortunately, today I had some free time, so later I re-listened and really got down to it and did some major mining and tapping, which I followed immediately with 20 minutes of silent meditation. Today's mining mainly dealt with the biggest hateful, hurtful violator/abuser/gossip/bully that's ever been in my life, and who caused huge stickiness that lasted for years. The body stuff was pretty high in the heart and throat and shoulders. I named the name out loud many times, and let the hearing of it really bring up the sensation as I saw picture after picture, and mined that physical feeling resulting from being bullied and violated. I was tapping hard! During my 20 minutes silent, about four times, I mined and tapped some more when stuff would come up (or actually I got down into it). Normally during my quickie meditation, when a useless or unwanted or invasive thought form would come through, I'd just gently blow it out with my breath. Now I am latching on and feeling it from its source in my chest and throat, attaching it to the words and pictures, naming names, and tapping and then breathing. I am committed to finding the time to do this at least once a day for the next week or so, as I am seeing immediate results. Often I take meditation time in the afternoon before I have to teach, but then don't have the sufficient space/time to really go deep. I usually commit to getting outside for an hour of sunshine and exercise in the morning, and because that's just as important to me as this, I think I will just do this before I even feed and water the chickens.

Here's the link to the audio if you're just joining me now: https://www.dropbox.com/s/p51wx2jnnonyquy/Dont%20Be%20Fooled_The%20Body%20is%20the%20Key.mp3?dl=0

Day 2 – It's all in the body.

The reason you seek is because you are avoiding the stuff in the body. It's the basis of all addiction, this looking forward to something beyond the present feeling “down there” in body. Even how we look at what's going on in the body from above in the head says volumes about our disconnection...

Scott recommends inviting the sensation in, telling it you love it and welcoming it to stay. When I was doing this I thanked it for being my teacher.

Today's mining: a barrage of people who made or make me feel put upon. Users, codependents, invaders, gossips, uninvited people, manipulators, abusers, VIOLATORS, one-by-one appeared all generating one sensation – VIOLATION! Violators – people who try to obstruct my free will. People who have tried to “drive me” and control me.  Users and abusers.

Who is this all about? I name names out loud, see those pictures, and take no prisoners. It's amazing how naming brought about a history of violators right down from the manipulating gossiping codependent controller to the twiddling babysitter sexual abuser. I felt much lighter after tapping that whole menagerie of violators.

What is this all about? As far as I can tell, it's all about independence. All of the violators shared one thing in my depths, they tried to control me, use me, manipulate me. They, in one way or another, exploited my generous nature and open-hearted vulnerability, not to mention my innocence and naiveté. They did things to me that I couldn't or was unable to control.

During my meditation I named a few names and tapped a few times when stuff came up. Interestingly, the feeling of being a pawn came up in relation to my husband and our plans for the future, where I feel like I really don't have a choice but to go along. I'm not saying his ideas are wrong or I am being railroaded, I'm just saying there's something really deep that wants to have more say in this situation; it wants to have more control. And the sensation is deeper down in my body.

Another realization I've had today is this: Facebook is a literal garden of opportunities to practice mining. See a picture, feel the feeling (in my case it's often images of people who are creating beautiful art when I should be, or somebody is in a beautiful place spending bountiful disposable income when I'm not and don't have, me posting something I think is brilliant, and being ignored – you get the picture). What a gold mine!

In fact, then the wanting attention thing drilled right down deep into my guts to “Thanks, Mom” when I saw and felt myself as a baby rhythmically rocking my crib across the room just wanting some connection, some attention.  

Cool. Especially cool, as that happened earlier today before I stumbled upon this video: Everything We Know About Addiction is Wrong:
  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ao8L-0nSYzg&feature=youtu.be

With this knowledge, that addiction is caused by lack of connection, I have to change my stance just a bit. When I was making a game of starving the little monster (not feeding my addiction), one of the things that made stopping ethanol quite easy was the understanding that the substance itself creates the hole it claims to fill.  Just stop feeding it, and it dies. And it does! 

 I think I need to amend that to: It's the substance itself that creates a false sense of filling a hole that was already there, and creates an even bigger more complicated hole that tries to be filled with that same substance.

#13 Considering Ethanol - Mining & Tapping Part 1

When I was starting on this journey to stop drinking it was not an emergency, no rock bottom here, it was just a building of knowing I wanted to change.  I wanted to feel good. I wanted to be whole. I wanted to be cool!  I had a deep longing to be able to relax naturally. Heck, I had to remind myself to breathe all the time. (And then there was huge resistance because a codependent, viciously jealous family member had made my drinking her business - but that's another story altogether, though it's worth mentioning because just writing that brought about the physical sensation at the bottom of all of this.)  

And only now do I realize that all that drinking was merely a coping mechanism of unconsciously trying to not feel anything at all!

Early on I did some work with Scott Kiloby as he was writing his book, Natural Rest for Addiction.  I did a lot of work deconstructing a bunch of false constructs around drinking, but I still drank. 

Scott will be the first to tell you that his whole process has been evolving now for a number of years.  He is a very generous guy, and has been sharing his developments as he went along. Last year he even opened the Kiloby Center for addiction recovery in Palm Springs, CA. I had visions of taking a couple of weeks and going there, but finances and work commitments wouldn't allow for that.  And even bigger than that, there was this stigma - this vision of not being in control, and giving in to being helped, surrendering to it, which really wasn't my style.  

One time Scott contacted me and said he now takes health insurance, to which I replied, “I'd never let the insurance industry in on my gig.”  No addiction disease thing on my record. In no way would I ever allow my "thing" to ever be taken up by the "healthcare" industry.  I had to do this on my own.

I have come to understand that addictions are all wrapped up with other stuff.  In my case there's a huge forgiveness factor there.  There's a huge need to let go of stuff I've been clinging to.  

But how can you let go when it's not clear exactly what it is that is sticking? I meditate silently almost every day, and this has been key to feeling those feelings – but I still hadn't put 2 & 2 together. This morning that question was answered.  It's all in the body!

Of course I was intellectually aware of the places where I need work - to forgive long standing infractions of certain others; to forgive that shitty feeling I get when I see certain things on social media, when my book isn't selling, when I'm not making art like I "should", when I feel any envy at all...  A really big part of this healing is to become aware when those sensations arise deep in the body (those same sensations we tried to squash with ethanol) - for me especially at the 5th chakra, the throat, the place of choice, and down to my very open and vulnerable heart.

It is just amazing how the synchronicities have been happening.

A few weeks ago I ran across this video with Wayne Dyer and Nick Ortner about tapping for forgiveness, and I've been doing it every time my big one pops in. The tapping part starts at 15:40 in the video.  http://www.thetappingsolution.com/2016VideoSeries/wayne-dyer/

BUT, there was one piece of this that I hadn't realized until this morning when I woke up to this from Scott Kiloby. 

Don't Be Fooled – The Body is the Key 

https://www.dropbox.com/s/p51wx2jnnonyquy/Dont%20Be%20Fooled_The%20Body%20is%20the%20Key.mp3?dl=0

I am in awe of how the Greater Intelligence has lined up (taking its own sweet time... :-)) to help me see my way here to new understanding – to the missing piece of the puzzle. And that missing piece is where any insecurities about failure or falling back down the slippery slope may occur, where the forgiveness needs to happen – first in the body. If we can bring awareness to those deep physical sensations when they occur (always accompanied by a thought, word or picture) we are mining – mining for gold and tapping (literally!) the mother lode.

#8 Considering Ethanol - Feeling Fully

Feeling Fully 

After I'd become a mother, my mother revealed to me that she had always worried that I might be too sensitive to have kids; that I was such an empath, so sensitive, that I might not have been able to handle it if my child was in pain or hurt. I proved her wrong, and raised two very well-rounded and highly successful people. But I'm crying as I write this. And instead of trying to figure out exactly why writing this brought on such emotion, I'm just going to feel it, allow it. Then it occurs to me that somehow feeling – being intensely sensitive – may have been seen as a weakness in my upbringing, and here begins the saga.

I am very sensitive to smells, tastes, sights, sounds, colors and ideas. I'm a peace and environmental activist, so poisoning myself and polluting the planet went totally against my core ideals. When it came to smoking and then drinking, one of my biggest rationalizations was that it desensitized me from the things I found unacceptable. When I joined the ranks, I no longer judged them. After not smoking for decades, and surrounded by smokers, I started up again rather than be repelled. (And what we all know now, is that it is the substance itself that creates the need for it.) If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. In times past when I would entertain the idea of stopping drinking, it would always be something – a feeling or feelings – that I did not want to feel that led me back to the 'fuck it' stage. In a world that seems doomed, I might as well be doomed, too. Gonna die anyway, bla bla bla.

Looking back, I now know that all of this is bunk. Fact is, I drank to not feel the most basic of human feelings, not because the world is falling apart or there's so much pollution and war and pain and unfairness, and I'm gonna die anyway. I drank because somewhere along the line I learned, not only that drinking was what we do, but that Feeling = Vulnerability = Weakness = Bad. 

Over the course of the past few months I have experienced life without the buffer. I realized I'd traded feeling for false comfort. I now own my vulnerability. I see how I had been habitually, unconsciously squelching basic human feelings, and with the bad went the good because you can't selectively deaden one feeling without deadening the others. Squash the loathing, squash the joy. Deaden the senses, deaden the whole self.

As my joy returned, I realized those deeply ingrained beliefs were totally false. As I stripped away the layers, all emotion became equal – one. As I saw past the stories, I saw past the lies associated with them. This is what This Naked Mind is all about. When we peel away all of the bullshit conditioning, what we are left with is Truth. This is living. 

Copyright © Heidi Mayo All rights reserved