#14 Considering Ethanol - Mining & Tapping Part 2

Day 1

I had a big Ah Ha this morning when I first listened to Scott's audio Don't Be Fooled – The Body is the Key. I listened, saw, heard and tapped though the half hour, and it was good, but I know I only skimmed the surface.

Fortunately, today I had some free time, so later I re-listened and really got down to it and did some major mining and tapping, which I followed immediately with 20 minutes of silent meditation. Today's mining mainly dealt with the biggest hateful, hurtful violator/abuser/gossip/bully that's ever been in my life, and who caused huge stickiness that lasted for years. The body stuff was pretty high in the heart and throat and shoulders. I named the name out loud many times, and let the hearing of it really bring up the sensation as I saw picture after picture, and mined that physical feeling resulting from being bullied and violated. I was tapping hard! During my 20 minutes silent, about four times, I mined and tapped some more when stuff would come up (or actually I got down into it). Normally during my quickie meditation, when a useless or unwanted or invasive thought form would come through, I'd just gently blow it out with my breath. Now I am latching on and feeling it from its source in my chest and throat, attaching it to the words and pictures, naming names, and tapping and then breathing. I am committed to finding the time to do this at least once a day for the next week or so, as I am seeing immediate results. Often I take meditation time in the afternoon before I have to teach, but then don't have the sufficient space/time to really go deep. I usually commit to getting outside for an hour of sunshine and exercise in the morning, and because that's just as important to me as this, I think I will just do this before I even feed and water the chickens.

Here's the link to the audio if you're just joining me now: https://www.dropbox.com/s/p51wx2jnnonyquy/Dont%20Be%20Fooled_The%20Body%20is%20the%20Key.mp3?dl=0

Day 2 – It's all in the body.

The reason you seek is because you are avoiding the stuff in the body. It's the basis of all addiction, this looking forward to something beyond the present feeling “down there” in body. Even how we look at what's going on in the body from above in the head says volumes about our disconnection...

Scott recommends inviting the sensation in, telling it you love it and welcoming it to stay. When I was doing this I thanked it for being my teacher.

Today's mining: a barrage of people who made or make me feel put upon. Users, codependents, invaders, gossips, uninvited people, manipulators, abusers, VIOLATORS, one-by-one appeared all generating one sensation – VIOLATION! Violators – people who try to obstruct my free will. People who have tried to “drive me” and control me.  Users and abusers.

Who is this all about? I name names out loud, see those pictures, and take no prisoners. It's amazing how naming brought about a history of violators right down from the manipulating gossiping codependent controller to the twiddling babysitter sexual abuser. I felt much lighter after tapping that whole menagerie of violators.

What is this all about? As far as I can tell, it's all about independence. All of the violators shared one thing in my depths, they tried to control me, use me, manipulate me. They, in one way or another, exploited my generous nature and open-hearted vulnerability, not to mention my innocence and naiveté. They did things to me that I couldn't or was unable to control.

During my meditation I named a few names and tapped a few times when stuff came up. Interestingly, the feeling of being a pawn came up in relation to my husband and our plans for the future, where I feel like I really don't have a choice but to go along. I'm not saying his ideas are wrong or I am being railroaded, I'm just saying there's something really deep that wants to have more say in this situation; it wants to have more control. And the sensation is deeper down in my body.

Another realization I've had today is this: Facebook is a literal garden of opportunities to practice mining. See a picture, feel the feeling (in my case it's often images of people who are creating beautiful art when I should be, or somebody is in a beautiful place spending bountiful disposable income when I'm not and don't have, me posting something I think is brilliant, and being ignored – you get the picture). What a gold mine!

In fact, then the wanting attention thing drilled right down deep into my guts to “Thanks, Mom” when I saw and felt myself as a baby rhythmically rocking my crib across the room just wanting some connection, some attention.  

Cool. Especially cool, as that happened earlier today before I stumbled upon this video: Everything We Know About Addiction is Wrong:
  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ao8L-0nSYzg&feature=youtu.be

With this knowledge, that addiction is caused by lack of connection, I have to change my stance just a bit. When I was making a game of starving the little monster (not feeding my addiction), one of the things that made stopping ethanol quite easy was the understanding that the substance itself creates the hole it claims to fill.  Just stop feeding it, and it dies. And it does! 

 I think I need to amend that to: It's the substance itself that creates a false sense of filling a hole that was already there, and creates an even bigger more complicated hole that tries to be filled with that same substance.

#13 Considering Ethanol - Mining & Tapping Part 1

When I was starting on this journey to stop drinking it was not an emergency, no rock bottom here, it was just a building of knowing I wanted to change.  I wanted to feel good. I wanted to be whole. I wanted to be cool!  I had a deep longing to be able to relax naturally. Heck, I had to remind myself to breathe all the time. (And then there was huge resistance because a codependent, viciously jealous family member had made my drinking her business - but that's another story altogether, though it's worth mentioning because just writing that brought about the physical sensation at the bottom of all of this.)  

And only now do I realize that all that drinking was merely a coping mechanism of unconsciously trying to not feel anything at all!

Early on I did some work with Scott Kiloby as he was writing his book, Natural Rest for Addiction.  I did a lot of work deconstructing a bunch of false constructs around drinking, but I still drank. 

Scott will be the first to tell you that his whole process has been evolving now for a number of years.  He is a very generous guy, and has been sharing his developments as he went along. Last year he even opened the Kiloby Center for addiction recovery in Palm Springs, CA. I had visions of taking a couple of weeks and going there, but finances and work commitments wouldn't allow for that.  And even bigger than that, there was this stigma - this vision of not being in control, and giving in to being helped, surrendering to it, which really wasn't my style.  

One time Scott contacted me and said he now takes health insurance, to which I replied, “I'd never let the insurance industry in on my gig.”  No addiction disease thing on my record. In no way would I ever allow my "thing" to ever be taken up by the "healthcare" industry.  I had to do this on my own.

I have come to understand that addictions are all wrapped up with other stuff.  In my case there's a huge forgiveness factor there.  There's a huge need to let go of stuff I've been clinging to.  

But how can you let go when it's not clear exactly what it is that is sticking? I meditate silently almost every day, and this has been key to feeling those feelings – but I still hadn't put 2 & 2 together. This morning that question was answered.  It's all in the body!

Of course I was intellectually aware of the places where I need work - to forgive long standing infractions of certain others; to forgive that shitty feeling I get when I see certain things on social media, when my book isn't selling, when I'm not making art like I "should", when I feel any envy at all...  A really big part of this healing is to become aware when those sensations arise deep in the body (those same sensations we tried to squash with ethanol) - for me especially at the 5th chakra, the throat, the place of choice, and down to my very open and vulnerable heart.

It is just amazing how the synchronicities have been happening.

A few weeks ago I ran across this video with Wayne Dyer and Nick Ortner about tapping for forgiveness, and I've been doing it every time my big one pops in. The tapping part starts at 15:40 in the video.  http://www.thetappingsolution.com/2016VideoSeries/wayne-dyer/

BUT, there was one piece of this that I hadn't realized until this morning when I woke up to this from Scott Kiloby. 

Don't Be Fooled – The Body is the Key 

https://www.dropbox.com/s/p51wx2jnnonyquy/Dont%20Be%20Fooled_The%20Body%20is%20the%20Key.mp3?dl=0

I am in awe of how the Greater Intelligence has lined up (taking its own sweet time... :-)) to help me see my way here to new understanding – to the missing piece of the puzzle. And that missing piece is where any insecurities about failure or falling back down the slippery slope may occur, where the forgiveness needs to happen – first in the body. If we can bring awareness to those deep physical sensations when they occur (always accompanied by a thought, word or picture) we are mining – mining for gold and tapping (literally!) the mother lode.

#12 Considering Ethanol - Playing with the Little Monster

Normally I am a very kind, thoughtful, helpful, and considerate person. Most of my life, I actually put the feelings of others before my own, which didn't always pan out well. It took me many years to gain the poise and guts to simply say No to intruders, users, manipulators, codependents, and uninvited guests. And now that I have finally, at this late date, mastered this skill – the ability to give a Quality No – I am finding that dealing with the “Little Monster” is a game I am thoroughly enjoying. And I am crushing the opposition, literally!

Ceasing ethanol consumption doesn't have to be all seriousness, grit and power and determination. All it really needs is simple resolve – clear, unwavering resolve. Once that's in place, the rest is fun and games. It's an invitation to creativity of the highest order. It can be relaxing and entertaining, too.

This is not about resistance. This is about seeing those thoughts/images/words a.k.a. Urges for what they really are – uninvited useless thought forms. They have no place in your life.

Early on, I named the fucking little monster Kitty, and it stuck along with the image of a Hello Kitty balloon, which made my games even more fun. The possibilities were endless. My favorite game was Starve the Kitty. Poor little kitty didn't stand a chance no matter how manipulative and sneaky it tried to be.

For me, Mrs. Nice Guy, it is really fun and exciting to be Not Nice.

I can be cruel!

I like tricking that little monster; giving it hope and letting it down hard! It's a game where I get to be as nasty and conniving and stingy, and bitchy as I like – with absolutely no guilt.

I can be a murderer!

I can be callous, and turn my back on a weak, whining, sniveling, starving sorry excuse for a thought form.

I can juggle sneaky little images and words that could amount to an “urge,” throw them up in the air, and turn around and walk away as they splatter on the ground.

I can run that little monster over with my car if I like.

If it shows up (always uninvited) I can simply ignore it or rudely tell it to go fuck itself. Little monster doesn't deserve any courtesy. In fact, it doesn't deserve any consideration whatsoever!

I can watch the little kitty monster deflate and fly off out-of-control like an untied balloon.

I can stomp on the cute little thing if I am so moved; kick it to the curb, and leave it to rot.

So, If you start to feel low because that little shit keeps invading your space, you can do the most violent, mean and nasty stuff to it with total impunity – and it can be very amusing and guilt-free entertainment.

Play with that little monster - torture it; starve it, but never ever entertain it.

Live it up. Win the game. And have fun! STFM!

Copyright © Heidi Mayo All Rights Reserved

#10 Considering Ethanol - Saturated Literature

Saturated Literature - a brief review

THE PARIS WIFE by Paula McLain - historical fiction, a very well-researched and written piece spoken in first person by/about Hemingway's first wife.

In my fresh state as a non-ethanol-drinking person raised in the same kind of drinking culture as the "lost generation" after WWI that evolved to the "Mad Men" culture post WII, I gotta say - any of us who have consciously decided to put ethanol behind us in the face of such strong cultural and societal mythology and conditioning - that's still going strong in the new "wine and brew" culture - deserve major kudos.  
There is booze on every page of this book, morning noon and night. Ethanol consumption created much of the drama F Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway, Ezra Pound, Gertrude Stein, all those writers we ADMIRE wrote about. Ernest even says about one guy how he doesn't trust a man who doesn't drink. I've said that before myself.
If they hadn't all been shitfaced all the time, creating all this misunderstanding, daring and drama, and glamor, you've got to wonder how different our world might be. :-) You've got to wonder how differently-shaped our perception of creative genius and social acceptability might have been. 
So, If you want to "check in" and see just how well you're doing in seeing through all of the conditioning and myth, read this book, and say Wow! at every turn of the page. If you can get through it without the little monster trying to capitalize on all of those cues and urges and popular culture images and words, I think you can be confident that you've done it. Yipee! We free!

Copyright © Heidi Mayo All rights reserved

#9 Considering Ethanol - The Joy that Passes All Understanding

The Joy that Passes All Understanding

A huge benefit of not using ethanol that keeps popping up for me, is that "the peace that passes all understanding" is so much more evident in my everyday life.  In this Eckhart Tolle clip, he says sometimes it takes losing everything (similar to the idea of "hitting rock bottom" to finally cease poisoning onself) to experience this because it's so close to us we fail to see it until everything is stripped away.

We hear that phrase at funerals - the peace that passeth all understanding - because there's no more physical to get in the way. :-) But we have it here and now too, because it is the essence of life itself before birth, during life, and like they say at the funeral, beyond this life.  

I'm seeing a new consciousness around ethanol; we're finding we don't need to lose everything or "hit rock bottom" to rise above the fray and experience that joy.  All we need to do is stop creating blocks between us and our true nature.

I'm finding that just by dropping the sense-deadening substance and regaining clarity, that Joy is right there all of the time, and just pops in to remind me that this is our true nature - what we are at the core beyond this physical daily life.  A little silent meditation is good too.  Happy hangover-free Sunday!

Copyright © Heidi Mayo All rights reserved

#8 Considering Ethanol - Feeling Fully

Feeling Fully 

After I'd become a mother, my mother revealed to me that she had always worried that I might be too sensitive to have kids; that I was such an empath, so sensitive, that I might not have been able to handle it if my child was in pain or hurt. I proved her wrong, and raised two very well-rounded and highly successful people. But I'm crying as I write this. And instead of trying to figure out exactly why writing this brought on such emotion, I'm just going to feel it, allow it. Then it occurs to me that somehow feeling – being intensely sensitive – may have been seen as a weakness in my upbringing, and here begins the saga.

I am very sensitive to smells, tastes, sights, sounds, colors and ideas. I'm a peace and environmental activist, so poisoning myself and polluting the planet went totally against my core ideals. When it came to smoking and then drinking, one of my biggest rationalizations was that it desensitized me from the things I found unacceptable. When I joined the ranks, I no longer judged them. After not smoking for decades, and surrounded by smokers, I started up again rather than be repelled. (And what we all know now, is that it is the substance itself that creates the need for it.) If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. In times past when I would entertain the idea of stopping drinking, it would always be something – a feeling or feelings – that I did not want to feel that led me back to the 'fuck it' stage. In a world that seems doomed, I might as well be doomed, too. Gonna die anyway, bla bla bla.

Looking back, I now know that all of this is bunk. Fact is, I drank to not feel the most basic of human feelings, not because the world is falling apart or there's so much pollution and war and pain and unfairness, and I'm gonna die anyway. I drank because somewhere along the line I learned, not only that drinking was what we do, but that Feeling = Vulnerability = Weakness = Bad. 

Over the course of the past few months I have experienced life without the buffer. I realized I'd traded feeling for false comfort. I now own my vulnerability. I see how I had been habitually, unconsciously squelching basic human feelings, and with the bad went the good because you can't selectively deaden one feeling without deadening the others. Squash the loathing, squash the joy. Deaden the senses, deaden the whole self.

As my joy returned, I realized those deeply ingrained beliefs were totally false. As I stripped away the layers, all emotion became equal – one. As I saw past the stories, I saw past the lies associated with them. This is what This Naked Mind is all about. When we peel away all of the bullshit conditioning, what we are left with is Truth. This is living. 

Copyright © Heidi Mayo All rights reserved

#7 Considering Ethanol - Living it Up

LIVING IT UP 

One of the biggest trends I notice in the two ethanol cessation communities I visit is that there's a lingering feeling of loss, of coping with the stress, of yearning, even grief, of stopping using ethanol to deaden senses and garner a feeling of belonging in a world totally brainwashed about its benefits. These communities offer great support and camaraderie, but also can unwittingly reinforce cultural myths about ethanol cessation.

We tend to feel this sense of loss because, even if we've been lucky and conscious enough to see through all of the illusions, society and the ethanol culture have put us in the position of outsiders. So, it is up to us to go boldly beyond the confines of popular myth into a new frontier of aware inclusion.

I don't use the words sober, sobriety, recovery or alcohol because these words promote preconceived notions and misconceptions about people who have been addicted to ethanol and have chosen to end that addiction.

As we all know, common popular beliefs keep certain people, whether drinking, not drinking, “relapsed” or “recovering” or anything in between in a segregated “us and them” divided society.

Oh, you don't drink? You must have a problem. I don't trust people who don't drink. Teetotalers are boring. I used to think these things, so I know what I'm up against.

Fact is, those of us who have decided not to drink anymore, no longer have that “problem.” Our only problem is navigating a convoluted paradoxical paradigm of disease mentality juxtaposed with warm and fuzzy, generations-deep heritage and propaganda that has trained us to believe we are missing out on something if we choose health and clarity over ethanol consumption.

And in reality, rather than being left out, we are experiencing the world more fully and with more awareness than we ever did as drinkers. We have stopped deadening our senses – we are actually more included than our drinking counterparts.

That said, we need to realize fully that we are not missing out on anything, and we need to take steps to live it up! Attitude really is everything when it comes to this business, and we need to celebrate the fact that we are clear headed and enjoying ourselves so much more fully than those around us who have chosen to become inebriated and disconnected in the name of fun.

For me, turning away from the habit of boozing and schmoozing with my husband every cocktail hour for decades was the biggest challenge. Could I schmooze without the booze? Would I be turned off by his smell of beer? Would I feel left out while he got his evening fix? Yada yada yada, the ego is a stupid animal that wants you to be unhappy and will find a thousand ways to create anxiety and drama that does not exist in the present moment. Be aware of this. It is the sole reason that you would ever experience dissatisfaction or that feeling of loss at not imbibing. It is false, and the first step toward living it up, is to realize this. When the ego barges in demanding your dissatisfaction, meet it with consciousness and clarity. When seen through, it doesn't stand a chance, and that's something to celebrate.

Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went, and I toasted with my mocktails, and I was so happy to enjoy the company and make the meals, play with my grandchildren, and wake up the next day feeling like a million bucks. What's not to celebrate? At every gathering there was at least one other person besides me who was a non-drinker of ethanol. We laughed and schmoozed smarter and better! Where ever did we get the idea we need a sense-deadening poison to celebrate life?

By stopping poisoning myself I am celebrating this life in every moment. I can taste flavors better than ever. Intimacy is more intimate. Connections are more connected. I hoist my mocktail to you in celebration. Live it up! Happy New Year!

Copyright © Heid Mayo All rights reserved

#6 Considering Ethanol - Switchflippers, anyone?

Switchflippers, anyone? (formerly Mocktails and Refreshments)

Lots of newbies here for the new year, so I thought it would be nice to share non-ethanol refreshment ideas.  Just because we've stopped drinking ethanol, doesn't mean we have to ignore cocktail time.  I'm living it up!

What better way to make fun diversion at cocktail time than to make mocktail concoctions? It's been a few months now, and I have watched my mocktail-making evolve from some pretty wild concoctions to a few go-to flavors that never fail.  I was a Bombay Gin drinker - on the rocks, nothing else - not sapphire, the queen's kind, so I like nusances of flavor in my drink.

I also love making up the names for them.

Most recipes I found online wanted a simple syrup of some sort, but the sugar was too much for me.

Best ingredients to always have on hand are: organic lemon juice, cayenne pepper, orange bitters, angostura bitters, apple cider, dry ginger beer, and seltzer water. I also really like this Kombucha Wonder Drink I get at the grocery store Traditional and Asian Pear are my favs. I dilute everything with seltzer.  

Also St. John's Wort tea has a somewhat bitter flavor and is very good at taking the edge off. Though I haven't tried it as a mocktail, it would probably make a good base.

I also like Fentiman's Dandelion & Burdock - botanially brewed, that I found at the health food store.  It's not too sweet and has complex flavor.

THE RECIPES

Here's a variation of one I found online called New England Buck. I call mine the Plymouth Rock:

1 shot juniper syrup (see recipe below)

1 shot lemon juice (fresh or organic)

a couple of hefty splashes of orange bitters (Fee Brothers is alcohol-free, but I like Regan's the best)

ginger beer (I like Reed's)

Combine all ingredients over ice except the ginger beer; stir or shake to mix it up, and pour into another glass (I don't strain, I just use the same ice.) Top off with Ginger Beer.  I garnish it with juniper berries as a nod to the old Bombay.

Juniper Sage syrup: I made this thinking it would have some Bombay-ish flavor.

In saucepan 1 cup water, 1/4-1/2 cup sugar (or if you like sugar make it a simple syrup base of 1:1), a small handful of sliced almonds and juniper berries each (I got them at the health food store), lemon peel of half a lemon, twist when adding, and about 8 fresh sage leaves torn in half. Bring to boil and simmer 5-10 minutes. Let cool, strain ( I add most of the juniper berries back in, so I have them as a garnish when I make a drink. Store in glass jar in the fridge.  This was my main mocktail the first week or so, and the preparation was a nice occupation at cocktail time.  Now I don't bother.

--------------------------------------------

The De-Cider

Pour over ice

3 parts apple cider

1 part lemon juice

a couple dashes of bitters

a healthy dash of cayenne pepper

----------------------------

Lemon First Aid

Over ice throw a shot of lemon juice.

Same amount of Pacific almond milk unsweetened and a couple drops of almond exract

Stir it up, and add seltzer to taste

---------------------------------

The Placebo
In a nice rocks glass, pour over ice 4 parts soda, 1 part lemon juice. Add a dash of orange bitters and cayenne pepper. Garnish with lemon wedge.  I'd throw some Reed's ginger beer on this too.

Right now I'm having  

The KomGetcha (just made that up) half asian pear ginger kombucha, half seltzer with a splash of lemon juice and a dash of orange bitters.

Share your mocktail recipes.

Copyright © Heidi Mayo All rights reserved

#5 Considering Ethanol - Heidi's Helpful Hints

Heidi's Helpful Hints

There are these little life events that were repeated over and over, over the years, where familiar images and sensations were branded into our brains and bodies that have the potential to cause discomfort if not dealt with consciously and firmly. Over the first weeks of not drinking, I found a few ways to help soften any kind of irritation or discomfort brought about by breaking those old useless habits. And last night, when I went out to a nice restaurant and didn't drink ethanol for the first time in around 40 years. I found my own way to give a nod to my sensibilities while still sticking to my resolve.

Here are a few strategies I have found really helpful.

At cocktail time at home I make myself a mocktail that is not sweet and has a good bite to it. I notice that I crack the ice and refill it the same way I did with gin. I enjoy the process; I like drinking while schmoozing and making dinner the same way I always did, only now without the ethanol. So, with mocktail in hand, I don't feel bereft like I'm missing something or have “given up” anything. Ha ha, I just invented a new mocktail called The Placebo. In a nice rocks glass, pour over ice 4 parts soda, 1 part lemon juice. Add a dash of orange bitters and cayenne pepper. Garnish with lemon wedge.

At the restaurant, I asked for soda on the rocks with a splash of bitters and a lime. The waitress brought the soda in one of those big tall ugly glasses, and next round I asked for a rocks glass. For me, just holding the right kind of glass does the trick. I'll bet former wine drinkers would benefit by putting their NA drink in a wine glass during such occasions.

I have found St John's Wort tea is a great beverage to take the edge off if I'm feeling a little edgy especially after a busy day. If you want to remove the edge off the late afternoon/early evening changeover, it's good to have some St. John's Wort around 3 or 4:00. You can get it in capsules, too.

I also have a snack around then. I have a Coconut Almond Kind Bar and some Dr. Schulze's SuperFood with my St J's tea. Doing this makes it so you don't experience that low that you would have previously used ethanol to deal with.
And it goes without saying that staying hydrated really helps a lot.

Taking 20 minute silent meditation daily is really good. During the first few weeks I had to force myself to sit down for those minutes. Now I look forward to it; usually squeeze one in in the middle of the day. (I'd done a lot of meditating in the past, but it was always with some kind of an agenda, now I simply get quiet.) Lately, if it works out, I sneak upstairs and grab those 20 minutes around cocktail time, and it's amazing how good I feel. It's relaxing and energizing. I have this Better Back thing that is like being held while sitting. The 20 minutes fly by, and my very active mind is able to get really quiet now. Here's a good video called The No Bullshit Guide to Meditation. 

I have been making my diet more alkaline, eating more greens and such, making smoothies with carrots, beets, kale, spinach, ginger, apples, stuff like that. It feels good to be healthy.

Fresh air, sunshine and exercise go a long way in the feel good department. I always got out and ran or rowed even when totally debauched and hungover, but now it's even better, and my joy factor is greatly enhanced.

If you notice a sneaky little urge or feel the remnants of the old habit trying to push its way into action, it's really important to review the salient parts of whatever book or books you read. In fact, you can do preemptive review every few days, and nip any of that kind of thing in the bud.  I read the last bit of Allen Carr's Stop Drinking Now - quick and dirty reminders.  Yeah!  I'm a non-drinker!

Resistance does not work. I have learned that when a thought or urge arises, it is counterproductive to try to push it away or resist it. Allow it to be just as it is, and it passes just like any other thought. In Scott Kiloby's Natural Rest for Addiction, he recommends just sitting with the urge, and like any other thought or sensation, it dissolves.  I just blow the thought out with a quick puff of breath, like blowing out a candle. That saying, “What you resist persists” is true. Resistance makes it stickier.  The harder you try to not think of something, the stronger the thought becomes. The firmer and clearer you are in your resolve in the first place, the less power any of those thoughts have at the getgo.

Forum communities like This Naked Mind and Hello Sunday Morning are good support, too.  Keeps you in touch with like-minded peeps and adds a bit of accountability to your resolve.

Here's to ethanol-free happy holidays. Yipee, I'm free! (Just saying those words does wonders.)

Copyright © Heidi Mayo All rights reserved

#4 Considering Ethanol - Peeling the Onion

PEELING the ONION

It appears I am dealing with stuff that I usually used ethanol and lifestyle to ignore or suppress. The “issues” have no real names; they can't be verbalized, which is quite a challenge for me who tends to put words and pictures to everything.

This came as a surprise yesterday. It seems my onion is being peeled, layer by layer, and I'm getting to the core – the place where there are no words, the place where healing happens.

The honeymoon stage has passed, and I am processing a lot of stuff I can't even put my finger on or explain. Yesterday, even in meditation, I cried, tears streaming down – no actual reason, just feeling grief; just allowing the grief to wash through me without trying to name it and without identifying with it. In the past, these feelings would have been suppressed or explained. I am finding, happy or sad, the tears come so easily, and I am allowing them without resistance. These tears, this sudden ability to simply cry, are connection, not weakness. No drama, simply tears. No explanation necessary. I feel like I'm being washed clean!

In years past, when the low feeling would come, I'd just drink like always, so I never really fully felt it. When loved ones died, we all got drunk. When life handed us lemons, we made daiquiris!

Yesterday was a reminder to be vigilant, and to keep current with the process. Logically I had no reason to be depressed, and I should have been celebrating – I've done it! I'm a non-drinker of ethanol! Yeah! But I was down. When I got all depressed, the little kitty monster wound around my ankles hoping I'd stoop down and feed it. No way.

There seems to be a shared pattern among people who have stopped ingesting ethanol. I've noticed several Naked Mind and HSM members have blogged about this “low” at the month mark. So, in hindsight, I can give advice on staying happily ethanol-free when that predictable low hits.

After a month, we might get a little complacent and need a little refresher. Go back to the book(s) you read and review the salient stuff. For me, I just read the last chapter of Allen Carr's Stop Drinking Now. Good reminders.

What I forgot to do yesterday when I felt so low, was say, “Yipee! I'm a non-drinker!” It was more like, “Hey you fucker (little monster wanting to be fed), get lost!” And even though I was totally firm in my commitment not to drink, I was still using avoidance/resistance rather than positive attitude, which is counter-productive and generates more of the shitty feeling that, if not faced, could even build to feelings of sacrifice and longing that could lead you-know-where...

Awareness is the key. Facing feelings fully rather than trying to avoid or suppress them is a skill I am learning. Don't add a story to the feeling, So, today is bright. Yesterday is history. Yipee – I'm ethanol-free!

Stopped in the middle of my run to add a few more tips. Get outside, get some air, sunshine and exercise. Take some vitamin D. Have some St. Johns wort tea. These little things help too.

Oh, and one last thing: A little thankfulness and gratefulness go a long way.

Copyright © Heidi Mayo All rights reserved

#3 Considering Ethanol - Not Counting

NOT COUNTING 

Wrote this to HSM (Hello Sunday Morning) so I'll share it here.

HSM is doing the counting for me, but I am staying away from counting. It's not one day at a time, it's NOW and no thank you. I strongly feel that counting days and weeks can be a set up for failure. The 12-step model sets people up for a lifetime of wondering if they're going to "relapse" so they never know for sure they're truly successful until the day they die.

I'm truly done drinking, so no need to count. When someone asks me "how long?" I just say, "Now is good. I'm a non-drinker now." And another interesting thing I've noticed is that it's only the people who are concerned with their own drinking that ask that question. It's often the people who would like to see you fail so you can remain in their camp. That question is really not a question at all, it's a bit of sabotage - it's a statement that expects sacrifice, self-denial, and potential failure.

Instead of counting days and weeks, I am counting all of the wonderful benefits of being a non-drinker, like money unspent, clarity, productivity, memory, health, enjoyment...

Not counting, and truly enjoyed my first alcohol free Thanksgiving in around 40 years. :-)

Copyright © Heidi Mayo All rights reserved

#2 Considering Ethanol - How'd you do that?

How'd you do that? 

I know that when I was drinking, which was pretty steadily for nearly 40 years, I thought of stopping as a daunting, complicated, nearly impossible challenge. In recent years, I'd just resigned myself to drinking until the day I died, since it seemed I was a done deal. Without going into my extremely convoluted history around alcohol, let's just say family and society set me up for a lifetime of drinking. You know how people brag about their ability to consume copious amounts of alcohol and still survive? It's a danger to be so “functional.” I'm a walking miracle.

I did stop drinking for a few extended periods, once, after an extremely humbling experience, with Rational Recovery for 7 months, and the again for 4 months, but it never stuck. And pregnancies don't count, as they were periods of abstinence for a better cause.

I also did Scott Kiloby's Natural Rest for Addiction intensive, read the book and did a bunch of facilitated inquires, but it seemed the process of looking at urges and images, and resting with them actually strengthened the images and sensations at that time. But, this work was very powerful and was one piece of the big puzzle of getting free, as my conscious awareness was greatly enhanced. As Shunryu Suzuki said, “Leave your front door open. Leave your back door open. Allow your thoughts to come and go. Just don't serve them tea.” My doors were open but I was still entertaining. :-)

Along the way I'd taken up smoking again after many years of being a non-smoker. It was like I was testing these modalities of “effortless” cessation. Before I knew it I was hooked on cigarettes again, too. The reason I mention this is that all addiction is the same. The thing you imbibe in to fill the “need” is the thing that created the need in the first place.

A few months ago my friend Annie Grace asked for beta readers for This Naked Mind. The promise was that it would change my relationship with alcohol. The hook was: “Do you want to drink less?” For an addicted drinker, that is the perfect hook, because we can't see our way clear to stopping altogether. I approached the book as a fellow writer helping a friend hone her book – with a deep down hope that reading it would cause a miracle to happen and I would effortlessly stop drinking. I read the book twice, marking it up with the eyes of an editor. But I didn't miraculously stop drinking. Heck, it took 40 years to get me here, it would probably take a while to get me out. When Annie released the finished work, I downloaded it with plans to read it with new eyes as a person who wanted to change my relationship with alcohol.

Sidebar: Annie references many addiction experts and works in This Naked Mind, especially Allen Carr. She recommended his Easyway to Stop Smoking to me. I read it, and Boom! I stopped smoking effortlessly! The process just clicked like a combination lock and sprang open. So, I was on a roll, and ready to do it with alcohol.

I read This Naked Mind with eyes wide open. I'd also downloaded Allen Carr's Stop Drinking Now. After finishing This Naked Mind, I still had not drunk my last drink. But I was getting ready. I took a few days to read Stop Drinking Nowwhere I was really preparing to stop. I was so ready to have that last drink that I had to force myself to do it. So, that's what it took.

The fact that a 63 year old drinker needed to read that last book takes nothing away from the other works. In fact, I needed those others just as much as that last final blow. If I hadn't done the work with the Living Inquiries and Natural Rest for Addiction I would not have the acute consciousness and alertness to recognize those sneaky cues (little monster) when they arise. And if I hadn't read This Naked Mind I never would have gotten what I needed to get to get it done. So, thank you all very much. I'm free!

Copyright © Heidi Mayo - all rights reserved

#1 Considering Ethanol - Last Hangover!

I am numbering these blog posts because I want them to appear in the order that I wrote them.  The following posts are about my experience stopping the consumption of ethanol.  If you read the previous post, Liquid Language - The Semantics of Sobriety, which was actually written later than this one, you will understand were I am coming from.  I am sharing my journey knowing that it may be helpful to people who want to change their relationship with ethanol, but can't seem to find their way through the barrage of societal and cultural myths about drinking and cessation.  Enjoy the ride!

Last Hangover!

I am adamant about not counting days.  This was my first journal entry after stopping drinking.  I figure if sharing helps just one person, then I will share. I have experienced my last hangover! I had my last drink, and I am now a non-drinker! I am so excited. In addition to the revelation I had about my codependent sister's influence on my drinking (when she told me to stop “for her” and likely knew full well that was the surefire way to keep me drinking), I am now finding just how easy over the next few days or weeks it'll be when the little monster perks up with its empty feeling wanting to be fed – just like that codependent sister who feeds on the business of others.

Any addiction is exactly the same as continuing a toxic relationship! So, at this point, the alcohol was the last of the unholy trinity: sister, cigarettes & booze. It occurred to me as I was finishing up Allen Carr's book, Stop Drinking Now, that I can give that “little monster” a name, and it is Kitty! Just like when I stopped smoking, when the thought would arise, I'd bask in my freedom, and say, “I'd just as soon smoke a cigarette as sit across the table from Kitty!” Kind of like, I’d rather stick needles in my eyes.  I never have to deal with that mortal enemy again. When the little monster rears up and makes a demand on me, I can even envision starving it, killing it; letting it fade to nothingness. And it feels great to call it “the kitty”. And as I starve it, it'll get smaller and “itty.” It may sound mean, but it really is the kindest thing I can do for myself and her. In fact, it feels like forgiveness to me. I wrote that in the afternoon. It's now past 6:30. At cocktail time I happily toasted my alcohol free cocktail with Jim's beer. The kitty hasn't even made an appearance tonight!  I'm free! Yeah!

NEXT DAY
Last night was a breeze. Had a wonderful chat with a friend and remember every word. I did stay up late reading, and got up a few times in the night. Heck, my nightime body is not used to being hydrated like this.
So far, that little kitty monster has left me alone. This morning I was reminding myself of my plan to kill it.
This is not a violent or aggressive plan; this is a defensive plan. I am prepared if it dares to so much as whisper or whine. I am prepared to tell it to go fuck itself. Nobody's gonna tell me what to do! Ha! That's my core story, and I'm sticking to it. I am prepared.
During my morning run a few things occurred. I feel so good and free I want to herald it to the world. But that would not be a smart thing to do. Although one day to me is as good as a lifetime, it is not to the beasts, it is not to the kittys. To them, it's not proven; it's still on shaky ground, and there's no way to explain how perfectly spontaneously done I am, so I'll just keep my mouth shut. It really is none of their business.
The kitty, that sneaky feline that comes up and rubs against you and then sinks its claws into you when you're not looking. Insidious like this: I'm smiling and thinking how happy and powerful I'm feeling, and the kitty monster slinks in and says, “ya, but what if there's a bad situation, huh? You think you'll be all cool with that?” That's how sneaky that bitch is, just always trying to steal my joy. But I'm on to you, little kitty monster. You will not be fed.

Things I learned:

1. All addiction is the same. The thing you imbibe in to fill the “need” is the thing that creates the need in the first place.

2. In this saturated society of myth and marketing messages, disease mentality and the addiction industry, those of us who consciously decide to stop poisoning ourselves with ethanol are somehow seen as broken, or having a "problem" - when, in fact, we are healthy and repaired! Now that I am a non-drinker, codependents and drinkers alike can see my not drinking as something to be treated delicately like "my problem" or a disease. The truth is I got rid of one.  

3. What does any strong independent person do when told to change his or her ways? The opposite. Addicted people are the most strong willed people on the planet.

4. It doesn't take willpower to stop an addiction. All it takes is seeing through the illusions, seeing where the brainwashing happens.

5. All you really need to do is Starve the Fucking Monster! (STFM)