Showing posts with label alcohol. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

#12 Considering Ethanol - Playing with the Little Monster

Normally I am a very kind, thoughtful, helpful, and considerate person. Most of my life, I actually put the feelings of others before my own, which didn't always pan out well. It took me many years to gain the poise and guts to simply say No to intruders, users, manipulators, codependents, and uninvited guests. And now that I have finally, at this late date, mastered this skill – the ability to give a Quality No – I am finding that dealing with the “Little Monster” is a game I am thoroughly enjoying. And I am crushing the opposition, literally!

Ceasing ethanol consumption doesn't have to be all seriousness, grit and power and determination. All it really needs is simple resolve – clear, unwavering resolve. Once that's in place, the rest is fun and games. It's an invitation to creativity of the highest order. It can be relaxing and entertaining, too.

This is not about resistance. This is about seeing those thoughts/images/words a.k.a. Urges for what they really are – uninvited useless thought forms. They have no place in your life.

Early on, I named the fucking little monster Kitty, and it stuck along with the image of a Hello Kitty balloon, which made my games even more fun. The possibilities were endless. My favorite game was Starve the Kitty. Poor little kitty didn't stand a chance no matter how manipulative and sneaky it tried to be.

For me, Mrs. Nice Guy, it is really fun and exciting to be Not Nice.

I can be cruel!

I like tricking that little monster; giving it hope and letting it down hard! It's a game where I get to be as nasty and conniving and stingy, and bitchy as I like – with absolutely no guilt.

I can be a murderer!

I can be callous, and turn my back on a weak, whining, sniveling, starving sorry excuse for a thought form.

I can juggle sneaky little images and words that could amount to an “urge,” throw them up in the air, and turn around and walk away as they splatter on the ground.

I can run that little monster over with my car if I like.

If it shows up (always uninvited) I can simply ignore it or rudely tell it to go fuck itself. Little monster doesn't deserve any courtesy. In fact, it doesn't deserve any consideration whatsoever!

I can watch the little kitty monster deflate and fly off out-of-control like an untied balloon.

I can stomp on the cute little thing if I am so moved; kick it to the curb, and leave it to rot.

So, If you start to feel low because that little shit keeps invading your space, you can do the most violent, mean and nasty stuff to it with total impunity – and it can be very amusing and guilt-free entertainment.

Play with that little monster - torture it; starve it, but never ever entertain it.

Live it up. Win the game. And have fun! STFM!

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

#10 Considering Ethanol - Saturated Literature

Saturated Literature - a brief review

THE PARIS WIFE by Paula McLain - historical fiction, a very well-researched and written piece spoken in first person by/about Hemingway's first wife.

In my fresh state as a non-ethanol-drinking person raised in the same kind of drinking culture as the "lost generation" after WWI that evolved to the "Mad Men" culture post WII, I gotta say - any of us who have consciously decided to put ethanol behind us in the face of such strong cultural and societal mythology and conditioning - that's still going strong in the new "wine and brew" culture - deserve major kudos.
There is booze on every page of this book, morning noon and night. Ethanol consumption created much of the drama F Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway, Ezra Pound, Gertrude Stein, all those writers we ADMIRE wrote about. Ernest even says about one guy how he doesn't trust a man who doesn't drink. I've said that before myself.
If they hadn't all been shitfaced all the time, creating all this misunderstanding, daring and drama, and glamor, you've got to wonder how different our world might be. :-) You've got to wonder how differently-shaped our perception of creative genius and social acceptability might have been.
So, If you want to "check in" and see just how well you're doing in seeing through all of the conditioning and myth, read this book, and say Wow! at every turn of the page. If you can get through it without the little monster trying to capitalize on all of those cues and urges and popular culture images and words, I think you can be confident that you've done it. Yipee! We free!

Copyright © Heidi Mayo All rights reserved

#9 Considering Ethanol - The Joy that Passes All Understanding

The Joy that Passes All Understanding

A huge benefit of not using ethanol that keeps popping up for me, is that "the peace that passes all understanding" is so much more evident in my everyday life. In this Eckhart Tolle clip, he says sometimes it takes losing everything (similar to the idea of "hitting rock bottom" to finally cease poisoning onself) to experience this because it's so close to us we fail to see it until everything is stripped away.

We hear that phrase at funerals - the peace that passeth all understanding - because there's no more physical to get in the way. :-) But we have it here and now too, because it is the essence of life itself before birth, during life, and like they say at the funeral, beyond this life.

I'm seeing a new consciousness around ethanol; we're finding we don't need to lose everything or "hit rock bottom" to rise above the fray and experience that joy. All we need to do is stop creating blocks between us and our true nature.

I'm finding that just by dropping the sense-deadening substance and regaining clarity, that Joy is right there all of the time, and just pops in to remind me that this is our true nature - what we are at the core beyond this physical daily life. A little silent meditation is good too. Happy hangover-free Sunday!

#8 Considering Ethanol - Feeling Fully

Feeling Fully

After I'd become a mother, my mother revealed to me that she had always worried that I might be too sensitive to have kids; that I was such an empath, so sensitive, that I might not have been able to handle it if my child was in pain or hurt. I proved her wrong, and raised two very well-rounded and highly successful people. But I'm crying as I write this. And instead of trying to figure out exactly why writing this brought on such emotion, I'm just going to feel it, allow it. Then it occurs to me that somehow feeling – being intensely sensitive – may have been seen as a weakness in my upbringing, and here begins the saga.

I am very sensitive to smells, tastes, sights, sounds, colors and ideas. I'm a peace and environmental activist, so poisoning myself and polluting the planet went totally against my core ideals. When it came to smoking and then drinking, one of my biggest rationalizations was that it desensitized me from the things I found unacceptable. When I joined the ranks, I no longer judged them. After not smoking for decades, and surrounded by smokers, I started up again rather than be repelled. (And what we all know now, is that it is the substance itself that creates the need for it.) If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. In times past when I would entertain the idea of stopping drinking, it would always be something – a feeling or feelings – that I did not want to feel that led me back to the 'fuck it' stage. In a world that seems doomed, I might as well be doomed, too. Gonna die anyway, bla bla bla.

Looking back, I now know that all of this is bunk. Fact is, I drank to not feel the most basic of human feelings, not because the world is falling apart or there's so much pollution and war and pain and unfairness, and I'm gonna die anyway. I drank because somewhere along the line I learned, not only that drinking was what we do, but that Feeling = Vulnerability = Weakness = Bad.

Over the course of the past few months I have experienced life without the buffer. I realized I'd traded feeling for false comfort. I now own my vulnerability. I see how I had been habitually, unconsciously squelching basic human feelings, and with the bad went the good because you can't selectively deaden one feeling without deadening the others. Squash the loathing, squash the joy. Deaden the senses, deaden the whole self.

As my joy returned, I realized those deeply ingrained beliefs were totally false. As I stripped away the layers, all emotion became equal – one. As I saw past the stories, I saw past the lies associated with them. This is what This Naked Mind is all about. When we peel away all of the bullshit conditioning, what we are left with is Truth. This is living.

#7 Considering Ethanol - Living it Up

LIVING IT UP

One of the biggest trends I notice in the two ethanol cessation communities I visit is that there's a lingering feeling of loss, of coping with the stress, of yearning, even grief, of stopping using ethanol to deaden senses and garner a feeling of belonging in a world totally brainwashed about its benefits. These communities offer great support and camaraderie, but also can unwittingly reinforce cultural myths about ethanol cessation.

We tend to feel this sense of loss because, even if we've been lucky and conscious enough to see through all of the illusions, society and the ethanol culture have put us in the position of outsiders. So, it is up to us to go boldly beyond the confines of popular myth into a new frontier of aware inclusion.

I don't use the words sober, sobriety, recovery or alcohol because these words promote preconceived notions and misconceptions about people who have been addicted to ethanol and have chosen to end that addiction.

As we all know, common popular beliefs keep certain people, whether drinking, not drinking, “relapsed” or “recovering” or anything in between in a segregated “us and them” divided society.

Oh, you don't drink? You must have a problem. I don't trust people who don't drink. Teetotalers are boring. I used to think these things, so I know what I'm up against.

Fact is, those of us who have decided not to drink anymore, no longer have that “problem.” Our only problem is navigating a convoluted paradoxical paradigm of disease mentality juxtaposed with warm and fuzzy, generations-deep heritage and propaganda that has trained us to believe we are missing out on something if we choose health and clarity over ethanol consumption.

And in reality, rather than being left out, we are experiencing the world more fully and with more awareness than we ever did as drinkers. We have stopped deadening our senses – we are actually more included than our drinking counterparts.

That said, we need to realize fully that we are not missing out on anything, and we need to take steps to live it up! Attitude really is everything when it comes to this business, and we need to celebrate the fact that we are clear headed and enjoying ourselves so much more fully than those around us who have chosen to become inebriated and disconnected in the name of fun.

For me, turning away from the habit of boozing and schmoozing with my husband every cocktail hour for decades was the biggest challenge. Could I schmooze without the booze? Would I be turned off by his smell of beer? Would I feel left out while he got his evening fix? Yada yada yada, the ego is a stupid animal that wants you to be unhappy and will find a thousand ways to create anxiety and drama that does not exist in the present moment. Be aware of this. It is the sole reason that you would ever experience dissatisfaction or that feeling of loss at not imbibing. It is false, and the first step toward living it up, is to realize this. When the ego barges in demanding your dissatisfaction, meet it with consciousness and clarity. When seen through, it doesn't stand a chance, and that's something to celebrate.

Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went, and I toasted with my mocktails, and I was so happy to enjoy the company and make the meals, play with my grandchildren, and wake up the next day feeling like a million bucks. What's not to celebrate? At every gathering there was at least one other person besides me who was a non-drinker of ethanol. We laughed and schmoozed smarter and better! Where ever did we get the idea we need a sense-deadening poison to celebrate life?

By stopping poisoning myself I am celebrating this life in every moment. I can taste flavors better than ever. Intimacy is more intimate. Connections are more connected. I hoist my mocktail to you in celebration. Live it up! Happy New Year!

#5 Considering Ethanol - Heidi's Helpful Hints

Heidi's Helpful Hints

There are these little life events that were repeated over and over, over the years, where familiar images and sensations were branded into our brains and bodies that have the potential to cause discomfort if not dealt with consciously and firmly. Over the first weeks of not drinking, I found a few ways to help soften any kind of irritation or discomfort brought about by breaking those old useless habits. And last night, when I went out to a nice restaurant and didn't drink ethanol for the first time in around 40 years. I found my own way to give a nod to my sensibilities while still sticking to my resolve.

Here are a few strategies I have found really helpful.

At cocktail time at home I make myself a mocktail that is not sweet and has a good bite to it. I notice that I crack the ice and refill it the same way I did with gin. I enjoy the process; I like drinking while schmoozing and making dinner the same way I always did, only now without the ethanol. So, with mocktail in hand, I don't feel bereft like I'm missing something or have “given up” anything. Ha ha, I just invented a new mocktail called The Placebo. In a nice rocks glass, pour over ice 4 parts soda, 1 part lemon juice. Add a dash of orange bitters and cayenne pepper. Garnish with lemon wedge.

At the restaurant, I asked for soda on the rocks with a splash of bitters and a lime. The waitress brought the soda in one of those big tall ugly glasses, and next round I asked for a rocks glass. For me, just holding the right kind of glass does the trick. I'll bet former wine drinkers would benefit by putting their NA drink in a wine glass during such occasions.

I have found St John's Wort tea is a great beverage to take the edge off if I'm feeling a little edgy especially after a busy day. If you want to remove the edge off the late afternoon/early evening changeover, it's good to have some St. John's Wort around 3 or 4:00. You can get it in capsules, too.

I also have a snack around then. I have a Coconut Almond Kind Bar and some Dr. Schulze's SuperFood with my St J's tea. Doing this makes it so you don't experience that low that you would have previously used ethanol to deal with.
And it goes without saying that staying hydrated really helps a lot.

Taking 20 minute silent meditation daily is really good. During the first few weeks I had to force myself to sit down for those minutes. Now I look forward to it; usually squeeze one in in the middle of the day. (I'd done a lot of meditating in the past, but it was always with some kind of an agenda, now I simply get quiet.) Lately, if it works out, I sneak upstairs and grab those 20 minutes around cocktail time, and it's amazing how good I feel. It's relaxing and energizing. I have this Better Back thing that is like being held while sitting. The 20 minutes fly by, and my very active mind is able to get really quiet now. Here's a good video called The No Bullshit Guide to Meditation.

I have been making my diet more alkaline, eating more greens and such, making smoothies with carrots, beets, kale, spinach, ginger, apples, stuff like that. It feels good to be healthy.

Fresh air, sunshine and exercise go a long way in the feel good department. I always got out and ran or rowed even when totally debauched and hungover, but now it's even better, and my joy factor is greatly enhanced.

If you notice a sneaky little urge or feel the remnants of the old habit trying to push its way into action, it's really important to review the salient parts of whatever book or books you read. In fact, you can do preemptive review every few days, and nip any of that kind of thing in the bud. I read the last bit of Allen Carr's Stop Drinking Now - quick and dirty reminders. Yeah! I'm a non-drinker!

Resistance does not work. I have learned that when a thought or urge arises, it is counterproductive to try to push it away or resist it. Allow it to be just as it is, and it passes just like any other thought. In Scott Kiloby's Natural Rest for Addiction, he recommends just sitting with the urge, and like any other thought or sensation, it dissolves. I just blow the thought out with a quick puff of breath, like blowing out a candle. That saying, “What you resist persists” is true. Resistance makes it stickier. The harder you try to not think of something, the stronger the thought becomes. The firmer and clearer you are in your resolve in the first place, the less power any of those thoughts have at the getgo.

Forum communities like This Naked Mind and Hello Sunday Morning are good support, too. Keeps you in touch with like-minded peeps and adds a bit of accountability to your resolve.

Here's to ethanol-free happy holidays. Yipee, I'm free! (Just saying those words does wonders.)

#4 Considering Ethanol - Peeling the Onion

PEELING the ONION

It appears I am dealing with stuff that I usually used ethanol and lifestyle to ignore or suppress. The “issues” have no real names; they can't be verbalized, which is quite a challenge for me who tends to put words and pictures to everything.

This came as a surprise yesterday. It seems my onion is being peeled, layer by layer, and I'm getting to the core – the place where there are no words, the place where healing happens.

The honeymoon stage has passed, and I am processing a lot of stuff I can't even put my finger on or explain. Yesterday, even in meditation, I cried, tears streaming down – no actual reason, just feeling grief; just allowing the grief to wash through me without trying to name it and without identifying with it. In the past, these feelings would have been suppressed or explained. I am finding, happy or sad, the tears come so easily, and I am allowing them without resistance. These tears, this sudden ability to simply cry, are connection, not weakness. No drama, simply tears. No explanation necessary. I feel like I'm being washed clean!

In years past, when the low feeling would come, I'd just drink like always, so I never really fully felt it. When loved ones died, we all got drunk. When life handed us lemons, we made daiquiris!

Yesterday was a reminder to be vigilant, and to keep current with the process. Logically I had no reason to be depressed, and I should have been celebrating – I've done it! I'm a non-drinker of ethanol! Yeah! But I was down. When I got all depressed, the little kitty monster wound around my ankles hoping I'd stoop down and feed it. No way.

There seems to be a shared pattern among people who have stopped ingesting ethanol. I've noticed several Naked Mind and HSM members have blogged about this “low” at the month mark. So, in hindsight, I can give advice on staying happily ethanol-free when that predictable low hits.

After a month, we might get a little complacent and need a little refresher. Go back to the book(s) you read and review the salient stuff. For me, I just read the last chapter of Allen Carr's Stop Drinking Now. Good reminders.

What I forgot to do yesterday when I felt so low, was say, “Yipee! I'm a non-drinker!” It was more like, “Hey you fucker (little monster wanting to be fed), get lost!” And even though I was totally firm in my commitment not to drink, I was still using avoidance/resistance rather than positive attitude, which is counter-productive and generates more of the shitty feeling that, if not faced, could even build to feelings of sacrifice and longing that could lead you-know-where...

Awareness is the key. Facing feelings fully rather than trying to avoid or suppress them is a skill I am learning. Don't add a story to the feeling, So, today is bright. Yesterday is history. Yipee – I'm ethanol-free!

Stopped in the middle of my run to add a few more tips. Get outside, get some air, sunshine and exercise. Take some vitamin D. Have some St. Johns wort tea. These little things help too.

Oh, and one last thing: A little thankfulness and gratefulness go a long way.

#2 Considering Ethanol - How'd you do that?

How'd you do that?

I know that when I was drinking, which was pretty steadily for nearly 40 years, I thought of stopping as a daunting, complicated, nearly impossible challenge. In recent years, I'd just resigned myself to drinking until the day I died, since it seemed I was a done deal. Without going into my extremely convoluted history around alcohol, let's just say family and society set me up for a lifetime of drinking. You know how people brag about their ability to consume copious amounts of alcohol and still survive? It's a danger to be so “functional.” I'm a walking miracle.

I did stop drinking for a few extended periods, once, after an extremely humbling experience, with Rational Recovery for 7 months, and the again for 4 months, but it never stuck. And pregnancies don't count, as they were periods of abstinence for a better cause.

I also did Scott Kiloby's Natural Rest for Addiction intensive, read the book and did a bunch of facilitated inquires, but it seemed the process of looking at urges and images, and resting with them actually strengthened the images and sensations at that time. But, this work was very powerful and was one piece of the big puzzle of getting free, as my conscious awareness was greatly enhanced. As Shunryu Suzuki said, “Leave your front door open. Leave your back door open. Allow your thoughts to come and go. Just don't serve them tea.” My doors were open but I was still entertaining. :-)

Along the way I'd taken up smoking again after many years of being a non-smoker. It was like I was testing these modalities of “effortless” cessation. Before I knew it I was hooked on cigarettes again, too. The reason I mention this is that all addiction is the same. The thing you imbibe in to fill the “need” is the thing that created the need in the first place.

A few months ago my friend Annie Grace asked for beta readers for This Naked Mind. The promise was that it would change my relationship with alcohol. The hook was: “Do you want to drink less?” For an addicted drinker, that is the perfect hook, because we can't see our way clear to stopping altogether. I approached the book as a fellow writer helping a friend hone her book – with a deep down hope that reading it would cause a miracle to happen and I would effortlessly stop drinking. I read the book twice, marking it up with the eyes of an editor. But I didn't miraculously stop drinking. Heck, it took 40 years to get me here, it would probably take a while to get me out. When Annie released the finished work, I downloaded it with plans to read it with new eyes as a person who wanted to change my relationship with alcohol.

Sidebar: Annie references many addiction experts and works in This Naked Mind, especially Allen Carr. She recommended his Easyway to Stop Smoking to me. I read it, and Boom! I stopped smoking effortlessly! The process just clicked like a combination lock and sprang open. So, I was on a roll, and ready to do it with alcohol.

I read This Naked Mind with eyes wide open. I'd also downloaded Allen Carr's Stop Drinking Now. After finishing This Naked Mind, I still had not drunk my last drink. But I was getting ready. I took a few days to read Stop Drinking Nowwhere I was really preparing to stop. I was so ready to have that last drink that I had to force myself to do it. So, that's what it took.

The fact that a 63 year old drinker needed to read that last book takes nothing away from the other works. In fact, I needed those others just as much as that last final blow. If I hadn't done the work with the Living Inquiries and Natural Rest for Addiction I would not have the acute consciousness and alertness to recognize those sneaky cues (little monster) when they arise. And if I hadn't read This Naked Mind I never would have gotten what I needed to get to get it done. So, thank you all very much. I'm free!

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

#1A - LIQUID LANGUAGE - The Semantics of Sobriety

“Sticks and stones will break your bones but words can never hurt you.” “The pen is mightier than the sword.” I don't know about you, but I'm with the pen. It's my experience that words are very powerful, and they can lift you up or push you down; they can make you feel happy, sad, good, bad, guilty, defensive, insecure, and in some cases they can even be devastating.

My awareness of the power of words has caused me to be vigilant about how I speak of having become a non-drinker of ethanol. I watch the words of others and the effect they have on my inner self. When I am in a conversation, I can actually feel how certain words and phrases tend to manipulate; I can feel their power viscerally, and that is why I am careful and aware.

We are saturated with language around drinking, alcoholism, and sobriety that is generally accepted by society and the medical industry, addiction “experts” and everyday people, words that assume, judge, and condemn. In becoming a “non-drinker,” a person who doesn't drink ethanol, I needed to change the language.

Here are some words and phrases that I find especially tricky, and have either consciously stopped using or changed the use of my language around them:

Sobriety – The word in and of itself sucks and has taken on a different meaning than its intended quality of being staid or solemn; seriousness, dignity. Today's sobriety reeks of booze and sacrifice – things given up, rather than wonderful things like clarity, health, joy and even dignity regained. I'll take dignity over sobriety any day.

Quit or Give Up – I did neither; I simply stopped consuming ethanol, so I do not utter such terms. Once again the language has deeper meaning than those simple words – to quit or give up has great overtones of sacrifice and loss. Stay away from those words, they do us a disservice.

Recovery – This term has a wicked complicated tapestry of convoluted meaning. It is another setup for failure in the sneaky addiction industry lingo. If you are “in recovery” there is an understanding of something medical, something disease-based ongoing, like cancer remission (temporary recovery) – very iffy; you can't trust it. Remission also means pardon, forgiveness, as of sins of offenses. So, if you find the need to use a word that embraces the nebulousness of your state of not drinking ethanol, “remission” might be better, since it connotes the disease model more clearly. If somebody says, “I'm a recovering alcoholic.” or “I'm in recovery.” it doesn't necessarily mean “I'm returning to a normal state of health, mind or strength.” It tends to mean, “I'm in this shaky process of self-denial, a sort of remission, that I have been told I can't trust and I could 'relapse' at any moment.” I remember joking that I was a “recovering alcoholic” when I'd have a lay-low hangover day because I was indeed recovering after ingesting way too much ethanol.

Alcohol – Ethanol, the stuff that goes in your gas tank and shouldn't go in your body

Alcoholic or alcoholism – Words I refuse to use ever again, just say: someone addicted to ethanol or ethanol addiction.

One day at a time – A subtle societal setup for failure. It goes hand in hand with “How long?” and “Recovery.” The whole culture especially 12-step stuff is saturated with this time thing. Fact is, time is an illusion and there is only NOW, and that's all I care about. I don't drink ethanol now. When people ask that underhanded statement of sabotage my gut reacts as if it's a threat, and it actually could be one if I subscribed to the common cultural myths surrounding white knuckle sobriety and recovery. I also notice that it's the people who are concerned with their own intake of ethanol that tend to ask that question.

Drink – How the heck did this word ever get to mean ingest ethanol? We drink tea, water, and all sorts of other stuff too. See how our language is so completely saturated in ethanol? Notice how powerful the language becomes when we stop using the word alcohol?

Withdrawal – OMG what a horrible sounding thing of loss, like you have to go to the bank and take out all of your money and be left with nothing! This is one of the terms that the addiction industry uses to help keep the addict addicted. This term helps to confuse people, make them fear cessation, make them fear pain that likely will never happen. I am happy to report that after 40 years of drinking just about every single night, I suffered no adverse “withdrawal symptoms.” I did notice a few changes. I stay up a little later; read later into the night; have better recollection of what I read; wake up in the morning feeling great; I'm more hydrated; I am happier; I find more joy in everything, I laugh even more than I already did, stuff like that. Woe is me, not.

Relapse – WTF? It's only the end of the world if you see it that way. For god sakes, we are these tiny creatures spinning around on a dirt ball in space. This word reeks of ego and self importance, drama and codependence. Oh, poor you, you've been stricken with a symptom of that terrible alcoholism disease of which you were briefly in remission. If you swore not to ingest ethanol, and did, you did not have a relapse, you just drank ethanol against your better judgement. Get over it and move on.

Wayne Dyer said, Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.

Change the lingo; change the paradigm; change your world.