Feeling Fully

After I'd become a mother, my mother revealed to me that she had always worried that I might be too sensitive to have kids; that I was such an empath, so sensitive, that I might not have been able to handle it if my child was in pain or hurt. I proved her wrong, and raised two very well-rounded and highly successful people. But I'm crying as I write this. And instead of trying to figure out exactly why writing this brought on such emotion, I'm just going to feel it, allow it. Then it occurs to me that somehow feeling – being intensely sensitive – may have been seen as a weakness in my upbringing, and here begins the saga.

I am very sensitive to smells, tastes, sights, sounds, colors and ideas. I'm a peace and environmental activist, so poisoning myself and polluting the planet went totally against my core ideals. When it came to smoking and then drinking, one of my biggest rationalizations was that it desensitized me from the things I found unacceptable. When I joined the ranks, I no longer judged them. After not smoking for decades, and surrounded by smokers, I started up again rather than be repelled. (And what we all know now, is that it is the substance itself that creates the need for it.) If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. In times past when I would entertain the idea of stopping drinking, it would always be something – a feeling or feelings – that I did not want to feel that led me back to the 'fuck it' stage. In a world that seems doomed, I might as well be doomed, too. Gonna die anyway, bla bla bla.

Looking back, I now know that all of this is bunk. Fact is, I drank to not feel the most basic of human feelings, not because the world is falling apart or there's so much pollution and war and pain and unfairness, and I'm gonna die anyway. I drank because somewhere along the line I learned, not only that drinking was what we do, but that Feeling = Vulnerability = Weakness = Bad.

Over the course of the past few months I have experienced life without the buffer. I realized I'd traded feeling for false comfort. I now own my vulnerability. I see how I had been habitually, unconsciously squelching basic human feelings, and with the bad went the good because you can't selectively deaden one feeling without deadening the others. Squash the loathing, squash the joy. Deaden the senses, deaden the whole self.

As my joy returned, I realized those deeply ingrained beliefs were totally false. As I stripped away the layers, all emotion became equal – one. As I saw past the stories, I saw past the lies associated with them. This is what This Naked Mind is all about. When we peel away all of the bullshit conditioning, what we are left with is Truth. This is living.

#4 Considering Ethanol - Peeling the Onion

PEELING the ONION

It appears I am dealing with stuff that I usually used ethanol and lifestyle to ignore or suppress. The “issues” have no real names; they can't be verbalized, which is quite a challenge for me who tends to put words and pictures to everything.

This came as a surprise yesterday. It seems my onion is being peeled, layer by layer, and I'm getting to the core – the place where there are no words, the place where healing happens.

The honeymoon stage has passed, and I am processing a lot of stuff I can't even put my finger on or explain. Yesterday, even in meditation, I cried, tears streaming down – no actual reason, just feeling grief; just allowing the grief to wash through me without trying to name it and without identifying with it. In the past, these feelings would have been suppressed or explained. I am finding, happy or sad, the tears come so easily, and I am allowing them without resistance. These tears, this sudden ability to simply cry, are connection, not weakness. No drama, simply tears. No explanation necessary. I feel like I'm being washed clean!

In years past, when the low feeling would come, I'd just drink like always, so I never really fully felt it. When loved ones died, we all got drunk. When life handed us lemons, we made daiquiris!

Yesterday was a reminder to be vigilant, and to keep current with the process. Logically I had no reason to be depressed, and I should have been celebrating – I've done it! I'm a non-drinker of ethanol! Yeah! But I was down. When I got all depressed, the little kitty monster wound around my ankles hoping I'd stoop down and feed it. No way.

There seems to be a shared pattern among people who have stopped ingesting ethanol. I've noticed several Naked Mind and HSM members have blogged about this “low” at the month mark. So, in hindsight, I can give advice on staying happily ethanol-free when that predictable low hits.

After a month, we might get a little complacent and need a little refresher. Go back to the book(s) you read and review the salient stuff. For me, I just read the last chapter of Allen Carr's Stop Drinking Now. Good reminders.

What I forgot to do yesterday when I felt so low, was say, “Yipee! I'm a non-drinker!” It was more like, “Hey you fucker (little monster wanting to be fed), get lost!” And even though I was totally firm in my commitment not to drink, I was still using avoidance/resistance rather than positive attitude, which is counter-productive and generates more of the shitty feeling that, if not faced, could even build to feelings of sacrifice and longing that could lead you-know-where...

Awareness is the key. Facing feelings fully rather than trying to avoid or suppress them is a skill I am learning. Don't add a story to the feeling, So, today is bright. Yesterday is history. Yipee – I'm ethanol-free!

Stopped in the middle of my run to add a few more tips. Get outside, get some air, sunshine and exercise. Take some vitamin D. Have some St. Johns wort tea. These little things help too.

Oh, and one last thing: A little thankfulness and gratefulness go a long way.