#8 Considering Ethanol - Feeling Fully

Feeling Fully 

After I'd become a mother, my mother revealed to me that she had always worried that I might be too sensitive to have kids; that I was such an empath, so sensitive, that I might not have been able to handle it if my child was in pain or hurt. I proved her wrong, and raised two very well-rounded and highly successful people. But I'm crying as I write this. And instead of trying to figure out exactly why writing this brought on such emotion, I'm just going to feel it, allow it. Then it occurs to me that somehow feeling – being intensely sensitive – may have been seen as a weakness in my upbringing, and here begins the saga.

I am very sensitive to smells, tastes, sights, sounds, colors and ideas. I'm a peace and environmental activist, so poisoning myself and polluting the planet went totally against my core ideals. When it came to smoking and then drinking, one of my biggest rationalizations was that it desensitized me from the things I found unacceptable. When I joined the ranks, I no longer judged them. After not smoking for decades, and surrounded by smokers, I started up again rather than be repelled. (And what we all know now, is that it is the substance itself that creates the need for it.) If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. In times past when I would entertain the idea of stopping drinking, it would always be something – a feeling or feelings – that I did not want to feel that led me back to the 'fuck it' stage. In a world that seems doomed, I might as well be doomed, too. Gonna die anyway, bla bla bla.

Looking back, I now know that all of this is bunk. Fact is, I drank to not feel the most basic of human feelings, not because the world is falling apart or there's so much pollution and war and pain and unfairness, and I'm gonna die anyway. I drank because somewhere along the line I learned, not only that drinking was what we do, but that Feeling = Vulnerability = Weakness = Bad. 

Over the course of the past few months I have experienced life without the buffer. I realized I'd traded feeling for false comfort. I now own my vulnerability. I see how I had been habitually, unconsciously squelching basic human feelings, and with the bad went the good because you can't selectively deaden one feeling without deadening the others. Squash the loathing, squash the joy. Deaden the senses, deaden the whole self.

As my joy returned, I realized those deeply ingrained beliefs were totally false. As I stripped away the layers, all emotion became equal – one. As I saw past the stories, I saw past the lies associated with them. This is what This Naked Mind is all about. When we peel away all of the bullshit conditioning, what we are left with is Truth. This is living. 

Copyright © Heidi Mayo All rights reserved

#7 Considering Ethanol - Living it Up

LIVING IT UP 

One of the biggest trends I notice in the two ethanol cessation communities I visit is that there's a lingering feeling of loss, of coping with the stress, of yearning, even grief, of stopping using ethanol to deaden senses and garner a feeling of belonging in a world totally brainwashed about its benefits. These communities offer great support and camaraderie, but also can unwittingly reinforce cultural myths about ethanol cessation.

We tend to feel this sense of loss because, even if we've been lucky and conscious enough to see through all of the illusions, society and the ethanol culture have put us in the position of outsiders. So, it is up to us to go boldly beyond the confines of popular myth into a new frontier of aware inclusion.

I don't use the words sober, sobriety, recovery or alcohol because these words promote preconceived notions and misconceptions about people who have been addicted to ethanol and have chosen to end that addiction.

As we all know, common popular beliefs keep certain people, whether drinking, not drinking, “relapsed” or “recovering” or anything in between in a segregated “us and them” divided society.

Oh, you don't drink? You must have a problem. I don't trust people who don't drink. Teetotalers are boring. I used to think these things, so I know what I'm up against.

Fact is, those of us who have decided not to drink anymore, no longer have that “problem.” Our only problem is navigating a convoluted paradoxical paradigm of disease mentality juxtaposed with warm and fuzzy, generations-deep heritage and propaganda that has trained us to believe we are missing out on something if we choose health and clarity over ethanol consumption.

And in reality, rather than being left out, we are experiencing the world more fully and with more awareness than we ever did as drinkers. We have stopped deadening our senses – we are actually more included than our drinking counterparts.

That said, we need to realize fully that we are not missing out on anything, and we need to take steps to live it up! Attitude really is everything when it comes to this business, and we need to celebrate the fact that we are clear headed and enjoying ourselves so much more fully than those around us who have chosen to become inebriated and disconnected in the name of fun.

For me, turning away from the habit of boozing and schmoozing with my husband every cocktail hour for decades was the biggest challenge. Could I schmooze without the booze? Would I be turned off by his smell of beer? Would I feel left out while he got his evening fix? Yada yada yada, the ego is a stupid animal that wants you to be unhappy and will find a thousand ways to create anxiety and drama that does not exist in the present moment. Be aware of this. It is the sole reason that you would ever experience dissatisfaction or that feeling of loss at not imbibing. It is false, and the first step toward living it up, is to realize this. When the ego barges in demanding your dissatisfaction, meet it with consciousness and clarity. When seen through, it doesn't stand a chance, and that's something to celebrate.

Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went, and I toasted with my mocktails, and I was so happy to enjoy the company and make the meals, play with my grandchildren, and wake up the next day feeling like a million bucks. What's not to celebrate? At every gathering there was at least one other person besides me who was a non-drinker of ethanol. We laughed and schmoozed smarter and better! Where ever did we get the idea we need a sense-deadening poison to celebrate life?

By stopping poisoning myself I am celebrating this life in every moment. I can taste flavors better than ever. Intimacy is more intimate. Connections are more connected. I hoist my mocktail to you in celebration. Live it up! Happy New Year!

Copyright © Heid Mayo All rights reserved

#4 Considering Ethanol - Peeling the Onion

PEELING the ONION

It appears I am dealing with stuff that I usually used ethanol and lifestyle to ignore or suppress. The “issues” have no real names; they can't be verbalized, which is quite a challenge for me who tends to put words and pictures to everything.

This came as a surprise yesterday. It seems my onion is being peeled, layer by layer, and I'm getting to the core – the place where there are no words, the place where healing happens.

The honeymoon stage has passed, and I am processing a lot of stuff I can't even put my finger on or explain. Yesterday, even in meditation, I cried, tears streaming down – no actual reason, just feeling grief; just allowing the grief to wash through me without trying to name it and without identifying with it. In the past, these feelings would have been suppressed or explained. I am finding, happy or sad, the tears come so easily, and I am allowing them without resistance. These tears, this sudden ability to simply cry, are connection, not weakness. No drama, simply tears. No explanation necessary. I feel like I'm being washed clean!

In years past, when the low feeling would come, I'd just drink like always, so I never really fully felt it. When loved ones died, we all got drunk. When life handed us lemons, we made daiquiris!

Yesterday was a reminder to be vigilant, and to keep current with the process. Logically I had no reason to be depressed, and I should have been celebrating – I've done it! I'm a non-drinker of ethanol! Yeah! But I was down. When I got all depressed, the little kitty monster wound around my ankles hoping I'd stoop down and feed it. No way.

There seems to be a shared pattern among people who have stopped ingesting ethanol. I've noticed several Naked Mind and HSM members have blogged about this “low” at the month mark. So, in hindsight, I can give advice on staying happily ethanol-free when that predictable low hits.

After a month, we might get a little complacent and need a little refresher. Go back to the book(s) you read and review the salient stuff. For me, I just read the last chapter of Allen Carr's Stop Drinking Now. Good reminders.

What I forgot to do yesterday when I felt so low, was say, “Yipee! I'm a non-drinker!” It was more like, “Hey you fucker (little monster wanting to be fed), get lost!” And even though I was totally firm in my commitment not to drink, I was still using avoidance/resistance rather than positive attitude, which is counter-productive and generates more of the shitty feeling that, if not faced, could even build to feelings of sacrifice and longing that could lead you-know-where...

Awareness is the key. Facing feelings fully rather than trying to avoid or suppress them is a skill I am learning. Don't add a story to the feeling, So, today is bright. Yesterday is history. Yipee – I'm ethanol-free!

Stopped in the middle of my run to add a few more tips. Get outside, get some air, sunshine and exercise. Take some vitamin D. Have some St. Johns wort tea. These little things help too.

Oh, and one last thing: A little thankfulness and gratefulness go a long way.

Copyright © Heidi Mayo All rights reserved

#2 Considering Ethanol - How'd you do that?

How'd you do that? 

I know that when I was drinking, which was pretty steadily for nearly 40 years, I thought of stopping as a daunting, complicated, nearly impossible challenge. In recent years, I'd just resigned myself to drinking until the day I died, since it seemed I was a done deal. Without going into my extremely convoluted history around alcohol, let's just say family and society set me up for a lifetime of drinking. You know how people brag about their ability to consume copious amounts of alcohol and still survive? It's a danger to be so “functional.” I'm a walking miracle.

I did stop drinking for a few extended periods, once, after an extremely humbling experience, with Rational Recovery for 7 months, and the again for 4 months, but it never stuck. And pregnancies don't count, as they were periods of abstinence for a better cause.

I also did Scott Kiloby's Natural Rest for Addiction intensive, read the book and did a bunch of facilitated inquires, but it seemed the process of looking at urges and images, and resting with them actually strengthened the images and sensations at that time. But, this work was very powerful and was one piece of the big puzzle of getting free, as my conscious awareness was greatly enhanced. As Shunryu Suzuki said, “Leave your front door open. Leave your back door open. Allow your thoughts to come and go. Just don't serve them tea.” My doors were open but I was still entertaining. :-)

Along the way I'd taken up smoking again after many years of being a non-smoker. It was like I was testing these modalities of “effortless” cessation. Before I knew it I was hooked on cigarettes again, too. The reason I mention this is that all addiction is the same. The thing you imbibe in to fill the “need” is the thing that created the need in the first place.

A few months ago my friend Annie Grace asked for beta readers for This Naked Mind. The promise was that it would change my relationship with alcohol. The hook was: “Do you want to drink less?” For an addicted drinker, that is the perfect hook, because we can't see our way clear to stopping altogether. I approached the book as a fellow writer helping a friend hone her book – with a deep down hope that reading it would cause a miracle to happen and I would effortlessly stop drinking. I read the book twice, marking it up with the eyes of an editor. But I didn't miraculously stop drinking. Heck, it took 40 years to get me here, it would probably take a while to get me out. When Annie released the finished work, I downloaded it with plans to read it with new eyes as a person who wanted to change my relationship with alcohol.

Sidebar: Annie references many addiction experts and works in This Naked Mind, especially Allen Carr. She recommended his Easyway to Stop Smoking to me. I read it, and Boom! I stopped smoking effortlessly! The process just clicked like a combination lock and sprang open. So, I was on a roll, and ready to do it with alcohol.

I read This Naked Mind with eyes wide open. I'd also downloaded Allen Carr's Stop Drinking Now. After finishing This Naked Mind, I still had not drunk my last drink. But I was getting ready. I took a few days to read Stop Drinking Nowwhere I was really preparing to stop. I was so ready to have that last drink that I had to force myself to do it. So, that's what it took.

The fact that a 63 year old drinker needed to read that last book takes nothing away from the other works. In fact, I needed those others just as much as that last final blow. If I hadn't done the work with the Living Inquiries and Natural Rest for Addiction I would not have the acute consciousness and alertness to recognize those sneaky cues (little monster) when they arise. And if I hadn't read This Naked Mind I never would have gotten what I needed to get to get it done. So, thank you all very much. I'm free!

Copyright © Heidi Mayo - all rights reserved